Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
