I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
