I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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