your room smells of hookers.
And success
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
