don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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