why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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