4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
