I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
