The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
