you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
