There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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