I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
