Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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