Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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