hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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