a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
