it wasn't lemon gatorade
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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