I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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