Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
