So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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