I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
