does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
