If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
