I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
