Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't deserve a penis
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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