When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
