A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't deserve a penis
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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