So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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