So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
