I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize
