I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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