I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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