You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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