Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just found puke in my bra..
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
