so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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