hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
