maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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