Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
