It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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