Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
ok first of all what the fuck
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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