My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
