My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it's like heaven, but drunker
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Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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