I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
