If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
