She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
