if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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