I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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