So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We left the knife in your bed.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize