Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
