Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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