first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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