see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
