fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
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I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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