is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
