what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
