He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
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