i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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