First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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